Today is day One of my 21 day challenge. Everyone seems to have one of these challenges at the moment, so I guess I'm jumping on the bandwagon. I'm not doing it for that reason, it is more about challenging myself. I've decided writing a blog daily for 21 days is to be mine. Why 21 days? Well, I read somewhere it takes 21 days to build a habit and I want to see if at the end days I have.
The difficulty will be finding something specific to write about in this time period. No pressure!
Today has been a weird day for me. I woke up alive and kicking, so to speak. I was bouncing with life and ready to face my day. By about 2:00pm, I had lost that feeling. I was exhausted, jaded and ready for bed.
I went shopping and found I barely had the energy to conduct intelligent conversation. Words just didn't seem to flow as smooth as they always do for me. It felt as if my mask had slipped and with it, any pretense that I was happy and carefree.
The energy around us at the moment is changing ever so quickly, sometimes subtly, sometimes not. This week has been a tough one as my emotions and body have been trying to adjust. I alternate between tears flowing unbidden down my cheeks to racing around dancing to music as it blasts from my stereo. That probably sounds normal to anyone else, but I usually have a reasonably tight hold on my tears and only allow them when it's convenient and I'm out of sight. That's where my mask comes in. It covers and comforts me as I convince myself and others that everything is going well.
As an empath, I pick up on everyone else's 'stuff' as well and, as my energy fluctuates dramatically in this way, it can sometimes be difficult to work out what is mine and what belongs to others.
It takes a lot of inner strength to sit and allow what I'm feeling or thinking to just 'be', to acknowledge and be grateful for these sensations. Any other time it would be the best thing in the world, given that I do psychic readings, but right now I find it more than a little distracting.
I read somewhere that the energy changes we are experiencing are about recalibrating our spirit within this physical form. After reading the symptoms, light-headedness, fatigue, cravings, broken sleep, I could identify with this information...and after all it was synchronistic that I stumbled across it, so I know I was meant to understand what is happening to me.
Perhaps you too have been going through some awkwardness, a feeling of not quite belonging in a place where you have felt safe and warm all these years. It's comforting to know others are experiencing it too, isn't it?
The challenge is in allowing, in trusting and in loving yourself and everything about you, even when things are feeling askew.
xx
Wednesday 6 June 2012
Thursday 15 March 2012
Lose yourself in the joy of the moment...
I started learning belly dancing sometime late last year. Ever
since I can remember I've wanted to learn this style of dance. It 's lots of
fun, even though I’m finding it difficult to get a handle on the moves. I am
fond of telling friends and family everyone else is ‘elegant’ while I feel more
like ‘elephant’!
My problem is I over think too much instead of getting lost
in the music and just moving. It’s definitely not a reflection on Em and Barb,
the instructors. They're so patient and I love going to class; in fact it’s
the highlight of my week. During the lesson I’m happy, carefree and inevitably,
the class clown!
I was lying in bed the day after class and wondered why I
felt so up and pumped afterwards. I usually come home with a huge grin on my
face, telling everyone how amazing it was, how much fun I have and the joy I
get from being around a group of happy, smiling other ladies. I realised it is
during that hour I can let my guard down and be me. There’s nothing stopping me
from being me any other day of the week…except me and the limitations I put on
myself.
I am a perfectionist, so I get annoyed I can’t do all the
moves perfectly, even though I’m only a beginner. No one else expects me to
have all the moves worked out yet…just me!
I wonder why we (and I really mean ‘me’ here) are so hard on
ourselves. We didn’t learn to walk or talk overnight and yet we get frustrated
or give up when we are learning a new skill that takes time to develop. Is it
because we live in an instant society, where food comes already prepared, or we
can ask the doctor to prescribe a pill to alleviate a symptom without
having to look at our lifestyle? Is it because others have been hard on us in the
past and we've taken on board their belief systems or judgements? Or is it
purely because we listen to that silly voice in our head that tells us we aren’t
good enough or learning fast enough? Were there unrealistic expectations when we were children?
The other day I showed my daughter some of the moves I’d
learnt. She told me she could tell the moment I started to think, the moment I
stopped believing I could actually show her. One minute I was fluid and the
next I was rigid and unbending – not really a good look for such flexible dance
moves. I knew she was right; one minute I was at one with the music and
next thing I knew the voice in my head said, ‘Yeah, well it looks okay, but you’re not doing
it perfect!’
The thing is, belly dancing lessons is just a great way to
have fun, to support and be supported by other women as we learn, to share joyful
energy. Not once was I told there would be a test at the end of it, so why am I
putting myself under so much pressure to be perfect?
Well, ‘Enough!’ is what I have to say to that snippety voice!
I am doing way better than I was last year and I have grasped some of the moves
and besides no one else is judging me besides that little voice. Everyone else
tells me I’m improving and that should be enough. Anyway, when did the voice
inside my head become an expert – did she learn to be an expert belly dancer
while I wasn’t looking?
I have come to the conclusion that I do this with almost everything I do and it is time to learn the lesson, the one that impacts on a lot of my life, preventing me from just letting go and doing what comes naturally. I don't have to be perfect, I just have to me...the me that's doing whatever activity I choose. I watched a video today on youtube that Yvonne Anderson had put up. She said we should live life like a musical instead of the alternative...in my case a documentary! This comment really resonated! Ahh! The freedom of a musical.....!!
Tonight I went along to watch the advanced group perform and
it was not only impressive, but it was a heap of fun. The joy of the dance was
evident on everyone’s face. Not one of them was pulling faces as they listened
to Ms Snippety. They were in the moment, sharing the happiness and it was an
uplifting experience. I stood there with a silly grin on my face as I watched.
As I drove home I decided that from now on that’s what I
want to do, be present in the music and not in my head…I want to have that much
fun…and one day, I want to be dancing in front of a group of people and sharing
the joy and happiness of enjoying something you love to do!
PS. The class is every Tuesday night in Manly. (Brisbane
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