Whats With That?!

I have been housesitting since sometime around last July. It was a bit daunting, throwing caution to the wind and having no fixed abode. I was fortunate enough to have to amazing backup plans – my daughter and her family, in Brisbane, who I had, up until then been living with, and my awesome friend, Karen and her family, who lived on the Sunshine Coast, which was where I

was heading.

There was also the fear of ‘going it alone’ again. After all, it hadn’t worked so well those first few years after Butch passed away. Would I end up ‘losing myself’ again, or struggling to look after and nurture me? So many questions and so many ‘I don’t know’ answers!

Having always been a ‘list’  person, who planned everything down to the last possible item, I hoped housesitting might encourage me to be a bit more spontaneous.

I had been wanting to do it for quite some time, but needed to make sure that I procured a job first, because, that’s how I roll… It seemed exciting and scary in alternate doses, especially staying with someone other than a family member. I had had a pretty daunting experience several years ago, while staying with a friend, and wasn’t sure if I wanted this friendship to end in a similar vein. There is nothing like projecting a past misfortune on a current one, even though so much of it was going to be entirely different…but hey, we all tend to do that.

My first night with Karen, Johno and their family, was nerve-racking…for about five minutes! They made me feel so welcome. I was made to feel like part of the family, right down to the teasing and ribbing that families do when you visit.

I had only been up on the Coast for five weeks, when I received an email to say the company I worked for could no longer afford to employ me. I must admit this was the first time I had ever lost a job I loved, so it was tempting to just pack it in and go back to the way it was. Tempting as it was, I persevered, telling myself that if things hadn’t improved by December, I would leave.

It has been four months, I don’t have a job, and I am trying to exist on a benefit. Not quite what I had in mind when I moved here…

The first housesit I did was perfect; they appreciated everything I did, their pet and I bonded to the point that I cried as I left after two weeks…

There have been quite a few since then, full of highs, lows, disasters, frustration, peace, relaxation, nature, stamina, energy….

I have adapted to the lifestyle quite well, and have quickly become ‘in demand’ as word of what I do spreads. However, there are always drawbacks. It can be quite lonely sometimes. Sure there is a pet to keep me company, but sometimes I crave a good chat…and dare I say it, even a hug…

I am fortunate that Karen and I spend time together, chatting, planning our classes and working with our pamper packages, but I don’t want her to feel she needs to boost me, or that she’s my only port of call. If there is a long break between housesits, I will go and visit my family in Brisbane, but there is this empty feeling that kinda settles on and around me sometimes.

I have always been the odd man out, even as a child. I was the weird, kooky, non conformist strange girl that never quite fit in. That didn’t change, even as a young adult. I met Butch and he accepted me as I was and helped me to embrace it, instead of rejecting who I really was. I didn’t have to try and fit in any more, after all Butch thought I was okay, and that was good enough for me. We weren’t the most sociable of couples, preferring to spend the majority of our time together at home.

After Butch passed, being a widow brought another aspect of ‘being an outsider’ into my life. Not only had I lost my main cheerleader, but I suddenly became the ‘Watch out, she’s a widow now. She’ll probably steal your husband’ variety of outcast. Firm friends became fast friends, as they sped out of my life. They weren’t the only ones to give me a wide berth, women would eye me suspiciously as I spoke to their men. *sigh* I understand that everyone wants to be in a couple (except me) and hold onto what they have…but it doesn’t mean I am interested in having what you’ve got.

We had an awesome relationship, so looking for someone else isn’t in my plan right now. I sometimes feel as if there is life after Butch, but it is such a slow and painful process, I wonder if I will actually survive it long enough to notice. 

I embraced my psychic-ness not long after and oh boy!, I wasn’t prepared for the way people would view me from that perspective as well. However, there are just as many people out there who accept that side of me, and I am willing to share…

This morning as I was walking, I was pondering on life in general. I came to the conclusion that housesitting has actually compounded my loneliness. I’m not in one place long enough to make friends and socialise, to join a club, or even a yoga group.

I broke my little toe about a month ago – this is the third time in eight years that I have broken this same toe. I have knocked it continuously during this time, so it is still red, swollen and has a slight twist to it now.

My belief is that any injury or illness is a reflection of our emotions and energy. So, what does a small toe on a right foot mean to me. Well, the right side of our body is connected to our action/movement, so clearly I am not ‘stepping’ in the direction I want to.

A little toe, well, that is all about ‘connection’. I am feeling disconnected from the rest of the world, my old friends, a job, my family (by distance), myself, the ability to do what I truly want – thanks to a lack of funds.

To fix my issue with this toe, I don’t need to ‘make up’ with my old friends, but I do need to start looking at how I can connect, to make a bigger effort than I have done. I need to stop expecting things to change just because I’m not happy about them. I need to change my view on life, declutter what isn’t working for me and begin to see things with fresh eyes.

On the bright side, being unemployed and housesitting has enabled me to focus more on my writing. I have also learned I don’t need a lot of possessions to make me happy – everything I need, including a massage table and two cases of massage towels, doesn’t even fill my car to the brim.

What to do next? Hmm, I have no idea. However, I am going to say that being aware of the problem is a 'step' in the right direction

Lose yourself in the joy of the moment...

I started learning belly dancing sometime late last year. Ever since I can remember I've wanted to learn this style of dance. It 's lots of fun, even though I’m finding it difficult to get a handle on the moves. I am fond of telling friends and family everyone else is ‘elegant’ while I feel more like ‘elephant’!

My problem is I over think too much instead of getting lost in the music and just moving. It’s definitely not a reflection on Em and Barb, the instructors. They're so patient and I love going to class; in fact it’s the highlight of my week. During the lesson I’m happy, carefree and inevitably, the class clown!

I was lying in bed the day after class and wondered why I felt so up and pumped afterwards. I usually come home with a huge grin on my face, telling everyone how amazing it was, how much fun I have and the joy I get from being around a group of happy, smiling other ladies. I realised it is during that hour I can let my guard down and be me. There’s nothing stopping me from being me any other day of the week…except me and the limitations I put on myself.

I am a perfectionist, so I get annoyed I can’t do all the moves perfectly, even though I’m only a beginner. No one else expects me to have all the moves worked out yet…just me!

I wonder why we (and I really mean ‘me’ here) are so hard on ourselves. We didn’t learn to walk or talk overnight and yet we get frustrated or give up when we are learning a new skill that takes time to develop. Is it because we live in an instant society, where food comes already prepared, or we can ask the doctor to prescribe a pill to alleviate a symptom without having to look at our lifestyle? Is it because others have been hard on us in the past and we've taken on board their belief systems or judgements? Or is it purely because we listen to that silly voice in our head that tells us we aren’t good enough or learning fast enough? Were there unrealistic expectations when we were children?

The other day I showed my daughter some of the moves I’d learnt. She told me she could tell the moment I started to think, the moment I stopped believing I could actually show her. One minute I was fluid and the next I was rigid and unbending – not really a good look for such flexible dance moves. I knew she was right; one minute I was at one with the music and next thing I knew the voice in my head said, ‘Yeah, well it looks okay, but you’re not doing it perfect!’

The thing is, belly dancing lessons is just a great way to have fun, to support and be supported by other women as we learn, to share joyful energy. Not once was I told there would be a test at the end of it, so why am I putting myself under so much pressure to be perfect?

Well, ‘Enough!’ is what I have to say to that snippety voice! I am doing way better than I was last year and I have grasped some of the moves and besides no one else is judging me besides that little voice. Everyone else tells me I’m improving and that should be enough. Anyway, when did the voice inside my head become an expert – did she learn to be an expert belly dancer while I wasn’t looking?

I have come to the conclusion that I do this with almost everything I do and it is time to learn the lesson, the one that impacts on a lot of my life, preventing me from just letting go and doing what comes naturally. I don't have to be perfect, I just have to me...the me that's doing whatever activity I choose. I watched a video today on youtube that Yvonne Anderson had put up. She said we should live life like a musical instead of the alternative...in my case a documentary! This comment really resonated! Ahh! The freedom of a musical.....!!

Tonight I went along to watch the advanced group perform and it was not only impressive, but it was a heap of fun. The joy of the dance was evident on everyone’s face. Not one of them was pulling faces as they listened to Ms Snippety. They were in the moment, sharing the happiness and it was an uplifting experience. I stood there with a silly grin on my face as I watched.

As I drove home I decided that from now on that’s what I want to do, be present in the music and not in my head…I want to have that much fun…and one day, I want to be dancing in front of a group of people and sharing the joy and happiness of enjoying something you love to do!

PS. The class is every Tuesday night in Manly. (Brisbane).If you’d like to meet some wonderful people while having a fantastic time, email Barb or Em (Taroonas Belly Dancing) taroonasbellydance@gmail.com

Other People's Belief Systems - Why Do We Hold Onto Them?

I became unemployed two weeks ago. To be honest, my hours at work had been on a downward slide for some time now with the company downsizing. This morning I decided to go to Centrelink and apply for the unemployment benefit.
I woke up feeling flat and a little down this morning, but just decided maaybe I needed more sleep. As I walked into the office, I saw some unemployed folk sitting outside drinking from paper bags and smoking rollies made from old cigarette butts and felt my mood plummet even further.
The staff at Centrelink were extremely helpful and I couldn't fault them for the service they provided.
However, it took all the effort I could muster not to burst into tears as I spoke to them. On leaving the office, I had a 'sunglasses' moment as I tried to hide my emotion....
I realised later my belief system is/was that I need to work for a living, that life is meant to be hard and nothing comes easy, so applying for the dole made me feel like a loser and a failure -not just to myself but to everyone around me. No matter what I did, or how much I distracted myself, I could not get past this feeling of hopelessness.
It wasn't until I was talking to Trish, I realised this belief system had entrenched so far into my psyche I became a victim to it without even trying to, or knowing why.
I have come a long way, I am making huge changes in my life and I have the opportunity to start fresh, to do something new in the direction I am pursuing, all I have to do is acknowledge it.
Sometimes we need to step back and realise that some of the belief systems we 'own' are not ours, that we need to acknowledge them and then let them fly free. How often do we reject or miss an opportunity because we don't feel we deserve it or we believe it's not the way things should be?
Its time for me to evaluate my belief systems and work out which are mine, which ones have been inherited or assimilated over the years and be true to me, not someone else's laws and beliefs. I also urge you to look at your own beliefs and cull out the ones that don't serve you or are your truth.
We are born perfect, we are still perfect, even now... we just need to believe in ourselves and dismiss other people's 'stuff' that has influenced us since birth.
Love and respect for ourselves, baby!